This will be my last entry regarding being on an internet dating site/ meeting people off online dating site.   I am announcing my retirement from the world of online dating.  I know you’re sad.  I’m sad to not be able to supply you with entertaining tales of online dating fail.  Don’t worry though there will be many real world fail stories for me to share with you.  Take for example when I told some college kid who rudely demanded that I dance with him that I was a 30 year old single mother of two in town to see my little sister graduate.  Sorry dude but, I’m not interested in your rubbing your penis on my ass while some remix of a Nelly song blasts in the background.  Oh college romance how I miss thee.

I will leave you all with these two messages that I received from the same user on OkCupid.  They’re both gems.

The one word message.  It can say a lot or a little.  Aristotle said to me “I’m probably emo and I like to talk about existensionalism over black coffee at this coffee spot you’ve probably never heard of. “  Of course the only appropriate response was 2pac.

You’re guess is as good as mine. If anyone can reference what he said please feel free do so. My response is an actual website.  I have to give credit to someone else for suggesting it as a response.  It was an amazing suggestion that only further proves how awesome my friends are.

I would like to thank all of the weird, horrible, amusing, sad, gross, and hilarious online dates that I’ve had.  And of course OkCupid for making it all happen in the first place.

HI THERE! MY NAME IS GLENNA AND I AM THE ONE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR!

I HAVE DECIDED TO COME BACK INTO THE HOSPITALITY/ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS. (SINCE THE COLLEGE DEGREE JUST ISN’T BRINGING IN THE BIG BUCKS…)
AFTER COLLEGE (AND UP UNTIL A FEW YEARS AGO), I RESIDED IN NORTH LAKE TAHOE WHERE I WORE MANY HATS. MOREOVER, THE HAT THAT I WORE THE MOST WAS AS A BARTENDER AND/OR A HOSPITALITY SERVER. (INCLUDING CATERING IN BOTH AREAS…) I WAS LOCATED IN TAHOE CITY- AT A PLACE ON THE LAKE CALLED ‘PIERCE STREET ANNEX’ (WHICH HELD POSITIONS THAT WERE VERY COVETED BY THOSE OF US IN THE INDUSTRY.) THIS WAS DUE TO OUR HEAVY VOLUME AND PRESTIGE… THE OWNERS OF THIS COMPANY ALSO OWNED ANOTHER BAR CALLED ‘THE NAUGHTY DOG’-  WHICH WAS ALSO LOCATED IN TAHOE CITY; AS WELL AS A THIRD RESTAURANT LOCATED IN TRUCKEE, CA. CALLED OB’S. PLUS, THEY RAN A HIGH END CATERING BUSINESS THAT DID WEDDINGS, ETC… ALL AROUND THE LAKE BASIN.
I WAS TRAINED TO BE ABLE TO FILL IN ANYWHERE, (AND I DID), BUT PIERCE STREET (OR P.S.A.) WAS MY MAIN GIG. IT WAS A SPORTS BAR. (WE HAD 3 POOL TABLES, A SHUFFLEBOARD TABLE, AND A DANCE FLOOR W/ A 410 PERSON CAPACITY) I SERVED BEER AND WINE, AS WELL AS HARD LIQUOR… I WAS ALSO TRAINED WITH A LITTLE FLAIR. OFTEN (DURING THE DAY OR ALL THE TIME ON THE OFF SEASON), WE ONLY STAFFED ONE TENDER PER SHIFT AND THEY PRETTY MUCH HAD TO KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING THAT THE PLACE REQUIRED… I WAS ALSO THE DJ ON THE WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS AS WELL AS THE ONLY GIRL ON THE SECURITY STAFF- I WORKED THE LIVE SHOWS AND I LOVED TO BREAK UP THE FIGHTS…
RELUCTANTLY, I MOVED BACK TO THE VALLEY TO BE CLOSE TO MY REMAINING FAMILY AND HAVE A BABY. MY SON IS NOW 4 YRS. OLD AND IS CO-PARENTED BY MYSELF AS WELL AS MY FAMILY.
IT IS LONG SINCE TIME FOR ME TO RETURN TO WORK. I WILL GLADLY COME IN IF YOU WOULD LIKE. I HAVE MANY REFERENCES (ALTHOUGH SADLY, PIERCE ST. HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH A PIZZA RESTAURANT DUE TO THE RECENT ECONOMY…). MY PAST EMPLOYERS NOW OPERATE OUT OF RENO.
I AM AVAILABLE AT ANY TIME. ALSO, FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME BACK OR CALL ME AT 555-5555. I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU.

                                                                                                                                       SINCERELY,
                                                                                                                               GLENNA

I ALSO HAVE A B.S. IN SOCIOLOGY FROM SOUTHERN OREGON UNIVERSITY FROM 1999. I HAVE SINCE BEEN A RAPE CRISIS ADVOCATE AS WELL AS A CERTIFIED PROFESSIONAL SKI INSTRUCTOR. I HAVE WORKED IN THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY IN JUST ABOUT EVERY CAPACITY (BOTH BACK OF HOUSE AND FRONT OF HOUSE AS WELL…). I HAVE NOT ONLY A PROFESSIONAL PORTFOLIO AVAILABLE, BUT THREE DIFFERENT RESUMES THAT COVER THE REST./ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY, RETAIL EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCES, AND TEACHING SKIING AS A CERTIFIED PROFESSIONAL SKI INSTRUCTOR. PLEASE CALL ME OR EMAIL ME BACK TO LET ME KNOW WHICH ONE YOU WOULD PREFER… OR TO SCHEDULE A JOB INTERVIEW AND I CAN JUST BRING IN THE REQUESTED PAPERWORK. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

NO GLENNA THANK YOU FOR THE DELIGHTFUL EMAIL.  IT MADE MY DAY BETTER. NO REALLY IT DID.

This brings me to T.M.I Guy. T.M.I Guy was full of stories. Stories that he told with a lot of enthusiasm and hand gestures. For the most part the stories were entertaining. I only found myself smiling and nodding a few times. Then we got on the topic of dating as almost all of my online dates go.  The next thing I know T.M.I Guy is giving me the nitty gritty on a woman he’d briefly dated while living in another city. I’m going to skip the boring shit and get right to it. He flat out told me that he figured out that this girl was a virgin because his finger would not find inside her. REALLY DUDE?? I don’t know you and you’re telling me graphic details of your sexual encounter with someone else. To make it even worse, it wasn’t even a funny story!  If you’re going to tell an inappropriate story at least do it right.

Just when I thought there couldn’t be anything else, he brought up his virginity story. At first the story was going down an okay road. Then the T.M.I set in. Why he found it necessary to tell me about how his parents were right upstairs (OMGEE thats like totally scandalas!) or how this girl must have been a slut because she had a condom WITH HER, I do not know. He even told me about how he pulled over the car to try for a “round 2″ while taking this girl home because he figured she’d go for it.  You know because she was a slut and all for practicing safe sex. She didn’t go for it if you were wondering. The whole lasting only a minute thing probably aided in her decision to not go for some classy car sex in a church parking lot. If he had only just stuck with the relevant part of the story.
1. He lost his virginity watching Pimp My Ride
2. He met one of the mechanics from Pimp My Ride at a conference last year and the mechanic high fived him for losing his Vcard while watching him on TV. (This must have been some sort of Tucker Max moment for T.M.I Guy.)

Why he felt it necessary to describe the entire scene in detail I don’t understand. It wasn’t even that awesome of a story. If I had been that girl I would have been pretending that T.M.I Guy was Xzibit** for the two minutes T.M.I Guy lasted. Needless to say T.M.I Guy didn’t make the cut. I can only hope that he’s out there somewhere telling other lucky ladies about his Pimp My Ride Vcard story.

*Meeting on an online dating site before going on a first date does not count as actually already knowing someone.  It just doesn’t.  End of story.

**I had to goggle Xzibit in order to figure out how to spell his name correctly because you know its important for me to spell the name of a now obscure rapper correctly.  I also found this neato photo of Xzibit nawing on a toy car.  It may or may not be my desktop background now.

I went out on a few dates with a co-worker 4 or 5 months ago.  It did not work out.  I just wasn’t into him.  Despite having several conversations about not wanting to date him because we worked together, he still did not get the hint.  I was trying to be nice by not flat out saying that it was in fact him that I disliked.  Being nice isn’t really something I feel like I need to do very often. Unusual for me to say the least. Eventually it got to the point of me having to flat out say “I only want to be friends”.  I hate saying that.  I hate hearing that myself, so saying it to someone sucks.  Everything always gets really awkward.  You just want to somehow end the conversation without actually physically running away.  I think in this case I mumbled something about being cold and I got in my car and drove away.

Last Friday my boss was going through photos with me on my computer for a project and happened to see a photo of the new guy I’ve been dating.  He asked who he was and I said he was a guy that I had been seeing.  He asked if he was my boyfriend.  I said no, we’re dating. He teased me about it for 60 seconds and then we went back to what we were doing.  Of course my boss told someone who probably told someone who told Co-worker Guy.  Today Co-worker Guy came upstairs to the office to drop off some paperwork.  I happened to be the only one in the office and he took full opportunity to be a dick about it.

Co-worker Guy: So how’s it going?

Me: Alright.

Co-worker Guy: I heard you have a boyfriend now.

(Shit, I didn’t think he’d find out this fast. This will not go well.  SOMEONE PLEASE WALK IN RIGHT NOW. )

Me: Oh yeah?  Guess Kevin told you then. Meh.

(Wait maybe him thinking I have a boyfriend now will work in my benefit aka he won’t be creepy to me anymore…)

Co-worker Guy: So yeah have you been seeing him for a long time?

(Ugh, dude I AM NOT DATING YOU.  Its like he thinks I’m cheating on him?  Is this happening?)

Me: *Wtf face* Does it matter?

(No seriously dude does it fucking matter? Go away!)

Co-worker Guy: Well I mean yeah I need to change how I act if you have a boyfriend.

(Bwhaha, must stifle laughter inside of head.  Wow he really must think we’re somewhere between friends and dating…)

Me: What?  You have to change how you act around me because I’m dating someone…

(Why the fuck has no one come up here in 10 minutes?  Not even the painter guy? HALP ME!  Maybe my phone will ring…)

Co-worker Guy: Well yeah, I have to know if you’re seeing someone so I know how to act around you. So is that why you’ve been rude lately?

(oh I will eat your fucking face)

Me: Rude?  I’ve been rude? Like through text or in person?

(maintain composure meghan maintain….)

C0-worker Guy: Both.

(go crawl in a hole and die.  rude?  I’m rude??!?!?!)

Me: Do you have an example?  I don’t think I’ve been rude.  I’m taking over a lot different duties and I’m figuring out how to organize a position that didn’t exist before me.  I’ve been more direct lately with my requests.  Being nice doesn’t always work with everyone here.

(FUCK YOU. Leave my office.)

Co-worker Guy: Well whatever.  You’ve just been rude.  Did you start seeing that guy before the last time we hung out?

(what can I throw at him?  My coffee? This pen?)

Me: What does it matter?  I date people. I’ve been dating people.  I don’t talk about it at work.

(He must think I’m the biggest bitch ever. Do not care.)

Co-worker Guy: Whatever. I mean do whatever you want.

(Thanks for the permission asshole.)

Me: *GLARE*

Co-worker Guy: Don’t give me that look.

(LEAVE! JUST LEAVE! I AM GOING TO LOOSE MY SHIT.)

Me: Don’t tell me I’m rude. Seriously? No example?  I don’t think I’ve been rude, so I can’t change anything if I don’t have an example.

Co-worker Guy: *stomps off*

(Asshole.)

And he wonders why I didn’t want to date him.  Really dude?

At first it was the normal conversation about where he grew up, what high school he went to, his crack addicted older brother….opps right that’s doesn’t seem like lunch time conversation.  After telling me the sad sad story of his short time doing drugs and his brother’s downward spiral into crack, we switched topics to high school extra curricular activities.  He informed me he was on the cheer leading squad and then waited for what I think would be my appalled response.  My response was cool, sounds like you spent a lot of time with hot ladies.  Apparently that must have been his way of feeling me out because the next thing I know he’s telling me all about how he was on the dance team.

The dance team was all girls.  They all had to wear the same outfits, etc.  Sort of like drill team, but with more flare.  Wow I just used the word flare.  He was the only guy on the team, but as he informed me he had wicked moves.  So wicked in fact that he was the face in the center of the pom pom circle.  At this point how could I not laugh?  I mean really he fully admitted to being the center of a pom pom circle on an all girls dance team.  This wasn’t you helping cheerleaders do their tumbles and pyramids or whatever.  All I could see was him in some spandex sequin outfit with a child rapist smile plastered across his face bursting through a circle of pom poms.

(Pretty sure he had the exact same outfit stashed in his closet…oh and I totally love RuPaul for the record. )

After telling me about his tryst on the dance team he told me had no idea why people thought he was gay in high school.  Awkward silence commenced.  Eventually I told him that when I first met him I though he was possibly gay…and that was oh a month ago.  He proceeded to try to be all manly and flirt, but it just came off creepy and unappealing.

I’m pretty sure he stopped liking me after that or maybe in that exact moment.  I did inform at the end of the conversation that he had told me a lot of his secrets and I had told him absolutely nothing personal about myself.  He seemed sort of flabbergasted at that. He tried to give me the cold shoulder at the bar he worked at, but I mean really what is he going to do tell his supervisor he confessed that he liked wearing spandex in high school and he had a problem with crack?  Thought not.

Sometimes stories about your past are better left unsaid until your mother tells them to your date during your birthday dinner.  Seriously.

Really being deemed useful in the impending (yes it is going to happen) zombie apocalypse is what I would qualify as a “creative compliment”.  I never replied to this guy, but hell yeah I’m prepared.  Have my cargo pants and lady wife beater cropped t ready to go.

Thug000 sadly deleted is profile.  He was a sight to behold though. But yes Thug000 I am fine, hella fine.

Yourslave69 was obviously already taken.

LilGENERAL your name says “I HAVE A SMALL PENIS AND A COMPLEX ABOUT MY BODY”.  Pass.

Well fuck this guy pets fuzzy kittens and is a magnificent bastard??  Sold.

Thank god he’s giving me another chance.  I was seriously concerned.

Abort! Abort! Block! Block!!

What sort of woman am I?  Well for starters the type that screenshots your creepy IMs and puts them on the internet.