I’m all for funny, embarrassing, *hand to face*, that really fucking happened last night sex stories. Those horribly funny stories can really bond people together. I know that my friend’s shot to the eye experience made me feel better about my mortifying “did he just make that sound effect while we were…omg???” story. However there are times when sharing your sexual exploits is not a good idea; in the breakroom at work in front of your Mormon coworker, your Grandmother’s 85th birthday party, or a first date with someone you don’t know*.
This brings me to T.M.I Guy. T.M.I Guy was full of stories. Stories that he told with a lot of enthusiasm and hand gestures. For the most part the stories were entertaining. I only found myself smiling and nodding a few times. Then we got on the topic of dating as almost all of my online dates go. The next thing I know T.M.I Guy is giving me the nitty gritty on a woman he’d briefly dated while living in another city. I’m going to skip the boring shit and get right to it. He flat out told me that he figured out that this girl was a virgin because his finger would not find inside her. REALLY DUDE?? I don’t know you and you’re telling me graphic details of your sexual encounter with someone else. To make it even worse, it wasn’t even a funny story! If you’re going to tell an inappropriate story at least do it right.
Just when I thought there couldn’t be anything else, he brought up his virginity story. At first the story was going down an okay road. Then the T.M.I set in. Why he found it necessary to tell me about how his parents were right upstairs (OMGEE thats like totally scandalas!) or how this girl must have been a slut because she had a condom WITH HER, I do not know. He even told me about how he pulled over the car to try for a “round 2″ while taking this girl home because he figured she’d go for it. You know because she was a slut and all for practicing safe sex. She didn’t go for it if you were wondering. The whole lasting only a minute thing probably aided in her decision to not go for some classy car sex in a church parking lot. If he had only just stuck with the relevant part of the story.
1. He lost his virginity watching Pimp My Ride
2. He met one of the mechanics from Pimp My Ride at a conference last year and the mechanic high fived him for losing his Vcard while watching him on TV. (This must have been some sort of Tucker Max moment for T.M.I Guy.)
Why he felt it necessary to describe the entire scene in detail I don’t understand. It wasn’t even that awesome of a story. If I had been that girl I would have been pretending that T.M.I Guy was Xzibit** for the two minutes T.M.I Guy lasted. Needless to say T.M.I Guy didn’t make the cut. I can only hope that he’s out there somewhere telling other lucky ladies about his Pimp My Ride Vcard story.
*Meeting on an online dating site before going on a first date does not count as actually already knowing someone. It just doesn’t. End of story.
**I had to goggle Xzibit in order to figure out how to spell his name correctly because you know its important for me to spell the name of a now obscure rapper correctly. I also found this neato photo of Xzibit nawing on a toy car. It may or may not be my desktop background now.
jack
August 3, 2011
how do you always manage to find the classy ones?
SassyM
August 4, 2011
The internet. Where else?
Tori
August 4, 2011
This is like the ultimate in “oh no he di’int.” Who is this dbag?!!
SassyM
August 4, 2011
It was one of my last okcupid dates from June. It was right before I announced my retirement from online dating. He tipped the boat on whether or not I would retire.